I have been somewhat depressed today and I think it is only worsening. First I was looking at a group on facebook about an area that I hung out in a lot as a teenager. Reading about the old days and other peoples memories kind of got me feeling down. I live in a very small town in a state that I did not grow up in. I grew up in a small city on the east coast and for some reason I kind of miss it. I moved far away from there when I graduated from high school when I was seventeen and I haven’t lived there since. I have always felt like I would be considered a failure if I ever went back A failure by who? I have no idea, just something I can’t get out of my mind. The only member of my family that still lives there is my sister, and she is itching to get out. I only sort of understand because she has lived there almost her whole life and I don’t have that life experience. I also didn’t talk to anybody that I was friends with in high school until recently, until I got on facebook. Somehow I feel like “yes, my people” , it seems I have people who have missed me and actually want me to move back ‘home’. I’ve never felt like anybody has ever really been like “we miss you, we want you around” until now. I feel like nobody would care if I stayed or left my current home, I’m just the weird girl from away here. Even though I probably isolate my self in some ways, I just want to feel wanted and to feel like belong to *something* or somewhere. I hope I am making some sense, if not, oh well.

Then, to top it off, while I’ve been on-line I’ve been watching/listening to music videos in the background. At 6pm a show called video yearbook came on, it’s an hour of music videos from a different year each day. Todays year is 1993, smack dab in the middle of my teenage years. It’s not that I wish I was a teenager again or anything like that, it’s……I don’t know what it is. I don’t really have many friends here where I live, and the ones I do have don’t really get where I’ve come from(not just physical locations but also life experiences) I guess I feel like if I didn’t live *here*, where I am now, I would have more opportunities to find others similar to myself. I guess I feel as though life wasn’t too bad when I was seventeen and it just seems to have gone downhill ever since. Fabulous, the REM song Drive video just came on. I haven’t heard this song in years and I think I put it on a mix tape when it came out on the radio. Funny how music can really take me back in time and make me feel strange. Almost sad for my formerly happy life where I actually felt like I fit in(most of the time) Oh jeez, now that song Laid by James is on. These are all songs I loved back in the day!!!! See my problem? I guess I could just change the channel but I don’t want too(whaa whaa…poor me huh?) Well I guess I’l just go now and continue the pity party for myself. blah

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