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Okay, I’ve been up since 7:30am which is really early for me, I know, I sleep pretty late usually. I have a doctors appointment later today at an ear nose and throat doctor. I have always thought I broke my nose when I was about 14, and have a bump on it. I also have sleep issues and snore quite loud(so I’m told). I also have thought maybe I have sleep apnea, which is when you stop breathing while you sleep and your body has to make sure to wake and tell yourself to breathe. It may not wake you completely, but just enough so you never reach deep sleep. When I went to my primary doctor last month he looked in my nose and said I have a deviated septum and may have broke my nose, and it may cause breathing problems at night. He gave me some nasal spray and now I’m of to the ENT. We’ll see what he(or she, I’m not sure) says.

Since I was up early I got on Polyvore again and made another collage, this one was more artsy and I used colors that sort of went with my blog theme. I liked the one I did yesterday, but I thought it clashed when I looked at it on my blog. I’m not sure if this one turned out as well, and it might be a little messy, but whatever. I hope you enjoy it and let me know what you think : )

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So me and online guy (OG..he he) exchanged phone numbers, so we could talk before our date. Like I said before I think it was on Sunday. Monday OG called me. His voice wasn’t what I had imagined, he sounded very young and quite nervous. I am 30 and he is 25, but I usually don’t have a problem with younger guys. I just don’t want to turn into the 40 year old woman at the bar that tries to pick up much younger guys to make myself feel better. I think that’s sort of desperate and sleazy.

Anyways, I figured he was probably just nervous about meeting someone in real life that he met online. I could understand that, because I have never met someone from online either, it was sort of like a blind date. We talked a few times and it was kind of awkward, but I had already agreed to go on this date, so I felt it would have been rude to not follow through. I could tell he was inexperience with life in general from our conversations, but I still wanted to give him a chance. Maybe I was just being too judgmental. I also have a habit of pushing people away who seem too interested in me. Kind of silly , I know, but at least I am aware that it’s something I do. During one of our conversations he said to me “you’re awesome”, as soon as he said that I groaned in my mind. Just great, I thought, he likes me. When I told me sister what he said, she said “ohhhh noooo!”, lol, that’s *exactly* how I felt, oh no. I was really dreading the date.

So Wednesday (the day of our date) came around, and he was supposed to pick me up around 5:30 or 6. I watched him pull into my driveway and get out of the car. He looked cute and like the pictures he had posted, but he had something slightly effeminate about him.  He came in and met my dog and we soon left to go out to dinner. We went to a bar and grill the next town over. It was pretty empty, but out waitress seemed really nice and the menu looked good. I had never eaten there before, but had eaten at there other bar/restaurant in my town. I looked it up on the internet and they had a different menu than the one closer to my house, but it had more variety and had a less bar like atmosphere. 

Dinner was fine, but he didn’t really talk much and just seemed so young. I have had a lot of life experience and I feel like I need to be with someone that is similar to myself in that regard. Actually, the best part of the night was when I ordered a beer, and I knew the waitress was going to card me. I was reaching for my wallet and she said, “you knew that was coming”. I get carded all the time, but I told her that I bet I was older than she though I was. When she looked at my ID she let out a loud “Oh my god!”.  I laughed and she told me she thought I was 22, she was looking closely at my ID, inspecting it to make sure it wasn’t a fake. That made me feel really good. Back to the actual date, the food was ok and the conversation was a little forced. OG ordered a beer and barely drank half of it. When we finished dinner, the check came and I put down 20 dollars for my half. He asked me if he should pay for dinner, I said that I’d just pay for my half. If he would have insisted that he pay for both of us, I would have let him, but he didn’t. Then he didn’t really even know how much to tip her. The whole thing was just really weird. I like guys who are confidant and a little assertive, and OG definitely wasn’t either of those things.

As we drove back to my house I asked him if he maybe wanted to stop at a bar and get a drink, he said no. Ok, I thought. It’s not like I want to go out with an alcoholic, but what 25 year old guy doesn’t want to grab a beer. We went back to my house and watched some tv. He asked if I had any tea I could make him. So I made us some tea and around nine I told him I was going to go to bed, so he had to leave. I hugged him goodbye and he said “maybe we could go out again sometime”. I said maybe, and that was the end of out night. 

I will finish up with what happened after our date in another  post. He just came across as very young, and very needy. Our communication after the date reinforced  those things even more.  I knew he was not the type of guy I was looking for, or would want to go out with. The date wasn’t a disaster, but it just wasn’t right for me. I need someone a little more sure of themselves, with more life skills/experience and not so young seeming. Oh well, at least I gave it a shot.

 So I thought I’d give online dating a try, I live in a small town without many options in the dating department, plus my sister has known people who are in happy relationships that started online. I had been registered at a free site for a while, but gave up hope after finding mostly guys in “open relationships” and other unattractive qualities. I had decided to hide my profile, but not cancel it, just in case I wanted to give it another shot.

Well, I couple of weeks ago, I thought I would take a look to see if there was anyone new I might be interested in. I quickly found a cute guy that lived about an hour away. He was online at the same time I was, so when I looked at his page it alerted him. He IM’d me through the site’s IM system and we briefly talked. I couldn’t stay online for very long so we exchanged AIM names and agreed to talk another time. 

The next time we communicated we seemed to get along quite well. We talked a little about our interests and music and other, ‘getting to know you’ stuff. He seemed humorous and interesting. After several times AIMing he asked if I would like to go out to dinner. We exchanged phone numbers with the intention of speaking the next day. I believe it was Sunday when he asked me out and figured out that Wednesday would work best for the both of us. He seemed really cool and I looked forward to speaking with him on the phone, and was excited about going on a date, which would be my first one in a looooong time.

This story was something I wrote on a forum I belong too. The topic of the thread had to do with AA(alcoholics anonymous) People were discussing the way AA relies a lot on the idea of putting your life in the hands of a higher power, “god or god as you know him”. Many of the people were pretty negative about the idea of AA, which I understand. If you want to read an interesting viewpoint that is against the organization you can find that here.  This is my AA experience.

 I am not really a religious person. I went to a catholic school growing up yet my mother’s family is jewish. My sister just went to Israel and we both are exploring judaism right now. I like the way they(jews) approach faith but my problem is I don’t think the bible is the word of god so that is sort of a problem. I also have a lot of books about wicca and polytheism. My problem is I don’t have much discipline went it comes to religious practice and apparently I don’t have the faith to follow through on any of it.

My ex boyfriend had to go to AA for some court stuff and I went with him. I definitely felt it was cultish, we went to several different meetings in different towns and some were better than others. One we went to was alright but we knew a lot of the people there and many of them were active drinkers and drug users. The ones who were sort of the leaders, I felt were trying to suck me in, giving me all sorts of book and their phone numbers and being all around pushy and weird.

One of the books I got was “Twenty-Four Hours A Day” It’s a small book and each day of the year has an AA thought of the day, Meditation of the day, and Prayer of the day. Some of the things in the book are a little weird but some actually helped me It was shortly after the AA stuff that I ended up homeless and dealing with a lot of serious mental health issues. I felt helpless about pretty much every aspect of my life and sometimes I would flip through the book and find things that made me feel a little better. I just went to find the book and found a page I marked.

Some words from the meditation of the day: “The calm and sane mind sees spiritual things as the true realities and material things as only temporary and fleeting” The prayer for the day was ” I pray I may have a calm and sane mind. I pray I may look up, around, and away from myself” At the time I was a mess and as my dad said I was in ‘survival’ mode. I kind of had to not focus on the things that were actually going on and had to put my mind someplace outside of me or I was going to go more crazy than I already was. Some of the words brought me comfort and something else to focus on. It didn’t all of a sudden make everything all better, but it helped a little.

Maybe some people going through some really bad things with their alcoholism need to put their faith in something else, like I had to. Not really sure how it works for drinking and drugging but it helped me a little going through homelessness and mental health issues. I didn’t go to any meetings after the few I went to with my ex boyfriend and I don’t really know all of the ins and outs of the organization. The previous story was just my limited experience, which was really only had to do with that one little book.

I have chronic pain and this has been one of my worst months. Maybe it’s all the snow and wet weather but whatever it is it really blows. A couple of weeks ago my dog completely took me out. I decided to take him for a long walk on a nice day and go to pick up my cell phone that I forgot at work the previous night. I knew it was probably a bad idea to bring him with me, but I did anyways. The night before my lower back had these terrible pains so that every time I moved in my bed I was letting out little yips because it hurt so much. So I decide the next morning to take my overly excited rambunctious large dog out with me. I thought I would just take my walking stick/cane for added support. Now, I’m only 30, so when I use it I always feel like a cripple, it’s sort of embarrassing , but when I’m with my dog I just pretend like I’m some sort of sporty hiker.

Well, several blocks away from my house we round the corner and there is a guy walking his pit-bull. I have absolutely nothing against pit-bulls, I really like them, but this dog was just as excited as mine was. His owner was visibly stressed and trying to wrangle his dog away from mine. My dog weighs probably only 20 or so pounds less than me so when he wants to go, I’m screwed. We were walking in the middle of the street because there weren’t any sidewalks in that area and even if there were they would have been impassable because of the snow. As soon as he realized it was another dog, I went flying. I’m sure it wasn’t pretty either. My dog got away from me and he and the other dog were in each others faces snarling and barking at each other. As soon as I got up I dragged him away and around the corner. Then… another person and their dog appeared. I got my dog settled down and he sat nicely as the other dog and owner came by. 

 

I then got my self together and hobbled home. I still had to walk to my job to get my phone because I don’t have a land line and that is my only phone. So now, not only did I look like a cripple with my walking stick, I was walking like one too. One good thing came out of the fall , I think it knocked my back into place because I really haven’t  had that sharp pain since then. Or it could be that my whole body pain distracted me from the back pain, who knows. I was also all skinned up like a little kid. 

Well, now I’m getting over that injury, but my shoulder is really been driving me nuts. I feel like as one thing gets better in regard to my health, something else flares up. It drives me crazy!!!!! (like I need any help in that department)

All I have to say is:   Hurry up Summer!!!!!

Yes, as strange as it might sound, I enjoyed my brief stay in the crazy place. Before I get into the actual stay, let me give a little background information.

About three years ago I was a complete mess, waaay more than I am right now. At the time I was semi-homeless, with no stable place to live. The places I was staying at were white trash disasters; animal waste in the house, broken windows, teen-age drinking and drugging, all while the mother stayed in her bed all day high on valium, pills and anything else she could get. These places included straight up unsanitary dumps, unlivable gutted trailers, and a camper in the middle of winter. It was pretty bad.

I also have had a history of depression. I had been on medication for about five years, but because of my instability I didn’t keep up with even the basic things a person does for themselves, never mind therapy or medication. Things were going from bad to worse to completely unmanageable rapidly. There were plenty of other things that contributed to my mental demise, but I don’t really feel like getting into the whole thing right now. Reliving my disaster of a situation really brings me down and I’m just not in the right frame of mind to deal with it. I’m sure I will write about everything at some point but right now I just want to talk about the days prior to admitting myself.

I don’t quite remember exactly what happened, but at some point in January of ’05 I realized I needed help. I set up an appointment at the mental health clinic I used to go to. I got back in and saw an amazing nurse psychiatrist I’ll just call AN(amazing nurse). AN was new at the clinic and also worked at the regular hospital in the nearest small city (about 45 minutes away), so she was plugged into the private psychiatric hospital in that area. AN put me on the medication I was taking prior to my absence which was effexor but she also told me that I had the option of going to the hospital if I needed to because I was somewhat in crisis mode.

This sort of thing happened to me in 1999 when I lived on the west coast when I realized  for the first time in my life  I was in need of help. I was suicidal and felt if I didn’t get help I was in danger of hurting myself. I had tried to find a doctor to see me but I couldn’t find one that took people without insurance and I was in such distress I could barely figure out how to write my name, never mind deal with the bureaucratic healthcare system. I ended up calling a crisis line for suggestions and broke down while on the phone with the worker. I was seen in an emergency appointment, put on prozac and given the option of being admitted but declined. The prozac made me even more loopy and I blew the whole thing off. I had just turned 21 and I thought drinking was a more effective way to medicate myself, it was a way to distract me from my problems.

This time, however was different. At a visit with AN soon after I first saw her I said “I think I need to go to the hospital”. I just wasn’t handling anything well and I was afraid of myself. I was in serious depression and out of control.

I have been somewhat depressed today and I think it is only worsening. First I was looking at a group on facebook about an area that I hung out in a lot as a teenager. Reading about the old days and other peoples memories kind of got me feeling down. I live in a very small town in a state that I did not grow up in. I grew up in a small city on the east coast and for some reason I kind of miss it. I moved far away from there when I graduated from high school when I was seventeen and I haven’t lived there since. I have always felt like I would be considered a failure if I ever went back A failure by who? I have no idea, just something I can’t get out of my mind. The only member of my family that still lives there is my sister, and she is itching to get out. I only sort of understand because she has lived there almost her whole life and I don’t have that life experience. I also didn’t talk to anybody that I was friends with in high school until recently, until I got on facebook. Somehow I feel like “yes, my people” , it seems I have people who have missed me and actually want me to move back ‘home’. I’ve never felt like anybody has ever really been like “we miss you, we want you around” until now. I feel like nobody would care if I stayed or left my current home, I’m just the weird girl from away here. Even though I probably isolate my self in some ways, I just want to feel wanted and to feel like belong to *something* or somewhere. I hope I am making some sense, if not, oh well.

Then, to top it off, while I’ve been on-line I’ve been watching/listening to music videos in the background. At 6pm a show called video yearbook came on, it’s an hour of music videos from a different year each day. Todays year is 1993, smack dab in the middle of my teenage years. It’s not that I wish I was a teenager again or anything like that, it’s……I don’t know what it is. I don’t really have many friends here where I live, and the ones I do have don’t really get where I’ve come from(not just physical locations but also life experiences) I guess I feel like if I didn’t live *here*, where I am now, I would have more opportunities to find others similar to myself. I guess I feel as though life wasn’t too bad when I was seventeen and it just seems to have gone downhill ever since. Fabulous, the REM song Drive video just came on. I haven’t heard this song in years and I think I put it on a mix tape when it came out on the radio. Funny how music can really take me back in time and make me feel strange. Almost sad for my formerly happy life where I actually felt like I fit in(most of the time) Oh jeez, now that song Laid by James is on. These are all songs I loved back in the day!!!! See my problem? I guess I could just change the channel but I don’t want too(whaa whaa…poor me huh?) Well I guess I’l just go now and continue the pity party for myself. blah

This is my first post on this blog. I am hoping this will be a reflection of myself and my life. I’m pretty much writing this for personal reasons but I hope to include a weekly creative endeavor, my perspective on life with chronic pain and borderline personality disorder, and a place that I can use for keeping a record of my various personal projects and my life in general. I’m not a professional writer, or even a good amateur, so I make no promises. If you are reading this, thanks for stopping by and I hope you can find something in here that inspires you or piques your interest. Hello world!

November 2017
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