I have chronic pain and this has been one of my worst months. Maybe it’s all the snow and wet weather but whatever it is it really blows. A couple of weeks ago my dog completely took me out. I decided to take him for a long walk on a nice day and go to pick up my cell phone that I forgot at work the previous night. I knew it was probably a bad idea to bring him with me, but I did anyways. The night before my lower back had these terrible pains so that every time I moved in my bed I was letting out little yips because it hurt so much. So I decide the next morning to take my overly excited rambunctious large dog out with me. I thought I would just take my walking stick/cane for added support. Now, I’m only 30, so when I use it I always feel like a cripple, it’s sort of embarrassing , but when I’m with my dog I just pretend like I’m some sort of sporty hiker.

Well, several blocks away from my house we round the corner and there is a guy walking his pit-bull. I have absolutely nothing against pit-bulls, I really like them, but this dog was just as excited as mine was. His owner was visibly stressed and trying to wrangle his dog away from mine. My dog weighs probably only 20 or so pounds less than me so when he wants to go, I’m screwed. We were walking in the middle of the street because there weren’t any sidewalks in that area and even if there were they would have been impassable because of the snow. As soon as he realized it was another dog, I went flying. I’m sure it wasn’t pretty either. My dog got away from me and he and the other dog were in each others faces snarling and barking at each other. As soon as I got up I dragged him away and around the corner. Then… another person and their dog appeared. I got my dog settled down and he sat nicely as the other dog and owner came by. 


I then got my self together and hobbled home. I still had to walk to my job to get my phone because I don’t have a land line and that is my only phone. So now, not only did I look like a cripple with my walking stick, I was walking like one too. One good thing came out of the fall , I think it knocked my back into place because I really haven’t  had that sharp pain since then. Or it could be that my whole body pain distracted me from the back pain, who knows. I was also all skinned up like a little kid. 

Well, now I’m getting over that injury, but my shoulder is really been driving me nuts. I feel like as one thing gets better in regard to my health, something else flares up. It drives me crazy!!!!! (like I need any help in that department)

All I have to say is:   Hurry up Summer!!!!!


Yes, as strange as it might sound, I enjoyed my brief stay in the crazy place. Before I get into the actual stay, let me give a little background information.

About three years ago I was a complete mess, waaay more than I am right now. At the time I was semi-homeless, with no stable place to live. The places I was staying at were white trash disasters; animal waste in the house, broken windows, teen-age drinking and drugging, all while the mother stayed in her bed all day high on valium, pills and anything else she could get. These places included straight up unsanitary dumps, unlivable gutted trailers, and a camper in the middle of winter. It was pretty bad.

I also have had a history of depression. I had been on medication for about five years, but because of my instability I didn’t keep up with even the basic things a person does for themselves, never mind therapy or medication. Things were going from bad to worse to completely unmanageable rapidly. There were plenty of other things that contributed to my mental demise, but I don’t really feel like getting into the whole thing right now. Reliving my disaster of a situation really brings me down and I’m just not in the right frame of mind to deal with it. I’m sure I will write about everything at some point but right now I just want to talk about the days prior to admitting myself.

I don’t quite remember exactly what happened, but at some point in January of ’05 I realized I needed help. I set up an appointment at the mental health clinic I used to go to. I got back in and saw an amazing nurse psychiatrist I’ll just call AN(amazing nurse). AN was new at the clinic and also worked at the regular hospital in the nearest small city (about 45 minutes away), so she was plugged into the private psychiatric hospital in that area. AN put me on the medication I was taking prior to my absence which was effexor but she also told me that I had the option of going to the hospital if I needed to because I was somewhat in crisis mode.

This sort of thing happened to me in 1999 when I lived on the west coast when I realized  for the first time in my life  I was in need of help. I was suicidal and felt if I didn’t get help I was in danger of hurting myself. I had tried to find a doctor to see me but I couldn’t find one that took people without insurance and I was in such distress I could barely figure out how to write my name, never mind deal with the bureaucratic healthcare system. I ended up calling a crisis line for suggestions and broke down while on the phone with the worker. I was seen in an emergency appointment, put on prozac and given the option of being admitted but declined. The prozac made me even more loopy and I blew the whole thing off. I had just turned 21 and I thought drinking was a more effective way to medicate myself, it was a way to distract me from my problems.

This time, however was different. At a visit with AN soon after I first saw her I said “I think I need to go to the hospital”. I just wasn’t handling anything well and I was afraid of myself. I was in serious depression and out of control.

I love this band, below I thought I’d put the lyrics to the song Sleep off of their 1992 album Bivouac, one of my all time favorite albums. I guess this song sums up the mood I’ve been in lately.

It seems I spend my days now wrapped in veils of sleep.
Caught in slumber’s grasp, nowhere that I should be.
I grew so goddamned tired of fighting against these chains.
No signs of relief or payment for my pains.
I know that I must try to break out of this cell I call my life.
To go to sleep is just to hide away.
I close my eyes so I won’t see the things I’d have to try to get.
I haven’t tried I’ve only turned away.
In my sleeping world I thought that I was safe.
Free from all the pain and burning light of day.
But even in my sleep now life is less than kind.
No escaping from this madness in my mind.

I have been somewhat depressed today and I think it is only worsening. First I was looking at a group on facebook about an area that I hung out in a lot as a teenager. Reading about the old days and other peoples memories kind of got me feeling down. I live in a very small town in a state that I did not grow up in. I grew up in a small city on the east coast and for some reason I kind of miss it. I moved far away from there when I graduated from high school when I was seventeen and I haven’t lived there since. I have always felt like I would be considered a failure if I ever went back A failure by who? I have no idea, just something I can’t get out of my mind. The only member of my family that still lives there is my sister, and she is itching to get out. I only sort of understand because she has lived there almost her whole life and I don’t have that life experience. I also didn’t talk to anybody that I was friends with in high school until recently, until I got on facebook. Somehow I feel like “yes, my people” , it seems I have people who have missed me and actually want me to move back ‘home’. I’ve never felt like anybody has ever really been like “we miss you, we want you around” until now. I feel like nobody would care if I stayed or left my current home, I’m just the weird girl from away here. Even though I probably isolate my self in some ways, I just want to feel wanted and to feel like belong to *something* or somewhere. I hope I am making some sense, if not, oh well.

Then, to top it off, while I’ve been on-line I’ve been watching/listening to music videos in the background. At 6pm a show called video yearbook came on, it’s an hour of music videos from a different year each day. Todays year is 1993, smack dab in the middle of my teenage years. It’s not that I wish I was a teenager again or anything like that, it’s……I don’t know what it is. I don’t really have many friends here where I live, and the ones I do have don’t really get where I’ve come from(not just physical locations but also life experiences) I guess I feel like if I didn’t live *here*, where I am now, I would have more opportunities to find others similar to myself. I guess I feel as though life wasn’t too bad when I was seventeen and it just seems to have gone downhill ever since. Fabulous, the REM song Drive video just came on. I haven’t heard this song in years and I think I put it on a mix tape when it came out on the radio. Funny how music can really take me back in time and make me feel strange. Almost sad for my formerly happy life where I actually felt like I fit in(most of the time) Oh jeez, now that song Laid by James is on. These are all songs I loved back in the day!!!! See my problem? I guess I could just change the channel but I don’t want too(whaa whaa…poor me huh?) Well I guess I’l just go now and continue the pity party for myself. blah


Well, my sister has come and gone. We had a nice time together. On Monday we went to the Goodwill and got two huge bags of things for only thirty dollars, what a bargain! We both bought many second hand books. I love books! I consider myself a complete book whore. Among the books we bought were some hippy books about health and living, Joseph Campbell’s “The Power of Myth” and a sewing guide(can never have too many craft books). Once we got home we laughed because although I’m not crazy about hippies I looooove hippy health books. Funny to think about.

What I consider to be one of my biggest scores was a pair of Banana Republic turquoise light-weight wool trousers. When I saw them on the rack I was a little confused because I have the exact same pair of pants and I thought I had maybe given them away and not remembered. However, they are one of my favorite pair of pants and I thought why would I do such a thing?  Then I realized that they weren’t mine and they were a couple sizes bigger than the ones I own. I was so excited!!  I bought the pair I already had about seven years ago for ten dollars at an outlet store. I am already tiny but they only fit when I am extra tiny so I can’t always wear them. I hurried to the dressing room and tried them on and they fit just great. Ahhhh, the little pleasures in life.

Last time I went to Goodwill I also found yards of  incredible blue linen type fabric. I am hoping to make some curtains for my kitchen out of it soon. I will try to put up some pictures of the fabric before I cut it up and also some of the steps of the project in the next few days. The fabric is really gorgeous and another bargain(can you tell I love myself a bargain?) 

My presents from Israel were also quite lovely. I great black and silver scarf and some great dead sea skincare products; she also brought me some hand-me downs from her closet and a great piece of lingerie from Victoria’s Secret, sort of like a romper/teddie, but more romperish(is that even a word?) Hopefully I will find myself a man at some point in 2009 to wear it for, if not, well I’ll just wear it for myself under something nice.  Can’t wait to post some pictures of some of my great finds and my projects. good night for now….

My sister called me earlier to say she was going to come up and visit for a couple of days. She lives about four hours away and I only get to see her a few times a year. I’m looking forward to seeing her since I haven’t seen her since my thirtieth birthday this past fall. She’s three and a half years younger than me and although we weren’t very close when we were younger we’ve become very close in the last few years. I moved across the country, to the west coast,  when I was seventeen(I’ve since moved back East) and haven’t lived in the same town as her since then. Growing up we were sort of in our own worlds. Although my parents didn’t get divorced until I was a junior in high school they were sort of in there own world together. One of the mottos at our house was “children should be seen and not heard” and that was really the way it was. My sister and I kind of  had to rely on ourselves for a lot of life situations. I don’t feel as if my parents were really involved in our lives, which was really kind of sad. 

Anyways….back to the visit. My sister just went to Israel and I know she bought me some presents. Whoo Hoo!! Presents!!! Her visit will also be a welcome break to the monotony that is my life. Thankfully my house is not the usual disaster that is, which makes me less stressful about having someone here. I’m sure that we will have a good time, and it will be nice to spend time with a girl for a change. I’m not very close with my family and I also don’t really have many friends, especially ones that actually get me and my life experiences. Basically what I’m trying to say is “Yay, I get to see my sister!!!”

This is my first post on this blog. I am hoping this will be a reflection of myself and my life. I’m pretty much writing this for personal reasons but I hope to include a weekly creative endeavor, my perspective on life with chronic pain and borderline personality disorder, and a place that I can use for keeping a record of my various personal projects and my life in general. I’m not a professional writer, or even a good amateur, so I make no promises. If you are reading this, thanks for stopping by and I hope you can find something in here that inspires you or piques your interest. Hello world!

June 2018
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